An entry of quotes from here forward...

"It's always me, I blame myself for everything."

"I'll never forget your phone numbers. You have to understand that."

"I Wish I wish I could live my life My life is mine to live Yet that is not how others perceive I wish I could live I wish they wouldn't wouldn't care (so much) All I want is to live To Live my life Is that too much to ask...? Perhaps, it may be It is... It is too much to ask."

"Thank you for opening my eyes

For making me realize

The reason for things

That I really didn't know

Thank you for letting me experience

Things I never thought I'd get to

for helping me live

I never thought I'd be able to

For explaining things no one else would be willing

Treating me as an equal

instead of an inferior

Thank you for being a friend

When I needed one most

Listening to me rant and complain

When you probably didn't want to

Thank you for being there

When I just wanted someone."

"I like you enough that I was willing to give up everything I had just for the chance to be with you... mind you that's not the only reason I gave that up..."

"All of your problems aren't in this place, they're in you. The answer is not running away from them, it's trying to work them out."

"but you can't deny things that you feel... you can try, but in the end it never turns out the way you wanted it to."

"wow... the more I talk to you right now, the more I feel like a name on a list... which is really not the greatest feeling."

"I don't know what the significance of that dream was that I had but it did knock some sense into me. It's didn't, make me think that any of that would ever happen, but it made me realize more that there are people andhow many people that there are. I'm sorry that I've caused so much stress on you lately because I know that I have when i shouldn't have. I know that it's not much, but thank you for being there... if there would be any way I could pay you back for that I would."

"I have to tell her that it's over."

"yeah"

"I'm going to... I need to... that way she'll be able to have who she really wants."

"yeah...."

"and not have to worry about hurting me or herself or anything..."

"yeah"

"so... I should go call her... this time actually for the better"

"yeah"

"not just giving in all the time"

"yeah, who knows, maybe someone else will come along."

"it would make this phone call a lot easier... but i trus that somebody will."

"Jon... you know.. don't you?"

"if you're trying to tell me that you like me... then yes, i do know... if that's not it, then I have no idea."

"how'd you figure it out?"

"that entry confirmed it."

"yeah"

"other than that, today... at lunch..."

"?"

"i wanted to hold your hand... when it came down to it..."

"parts of todays conversation with Chris was me pondering why it seemed like you were acting the way you did before christmas vacation today. Are you going to call her?

"yes. I'll be back in a little bit.. I don't know why I was... but I do like you too."

"Clare, I like you. I don't know if I have ever not liked you. even if I have had to not show that I don't think there's any time I haven't."

"never goodbye"

"I'd rather be there with you than doing this anyday or doing anything other than being with you... you're just that kind of a person.. the kind of person that I want to be around because it's enjoyable and not depressing."

"... That's only one of the many reasons I like you though. You're beautiful and wonderful and are always there for me and are honest but most of all you care. happy birthday. yours, Jonathan."

"When I see you smile

it reminds me of the times we shared

when I see your face

it reminds me of how much you cared

now those things arent' the same

but memories can't be changed.

memories can't be changed

memories they can't

can't be changed

I just want to show you

how much I care, how much I share,

I share a love with you

me and you, I know it's true.

now I know that things, they aren't the same

but wonderful memories can't be changed

memories can't be changed

memories they can't

can't be changed

memories can't be changed

memories they can't

can't be changed"

I Love him so much. I want him back so badly.. it hurts so much... I miss him...

I have a new xanga, check your subscribers to see if I gave it to you.

Do you realize that I haven't got any comments since Tuesday? That's five days! But in truth it doesn't really affect me, I'm just used to getting at least on comment for every two days.

But anyways... the point of this entry:

I just want to let you all know that I might not be writing another entry. I'll still read everyone's and comment, but I think I may just stop writing. School'll be starting and it'll be more sensible for me to get back into writing in my notebook and I just think that writing in both places is pointless... It's better for me to write in my notebook, I can write whatever - I don't have to worry about people reading it.

As I sit here listening to the CD that Jon gave me, what?, three or four months ago, eating nachos... not talking to anyone... I feel at peace. No worries, no regrets. It's wonderful.

I have laundry to do, a room to clean, cats to feed, a huge decision on my mind and a life to worry about but I feel at peace.

But all I think about is the salty taste in my mouth and the wonderful music coming loudly from the other room.

It was when Jon gave me this CD that he first told me that he Loved me. We were in Target with my mom after one of my choir concerts and he took it out of his pocket and handed it to me. On the CD he had written "I Love you." It wasn't until a few days later that I repeated those same words to him. And do I Love him! I do Love him, so why is this decision so hard?

golly gee wiz... last night was somewhat fun but then again somewhat not.

Dan, Tana, Julian, Jim, Oni, and Robert....

anyways... yeah...

how hard is it for a guy to get the picture you're not interested anymore? I mean, there are other people he's friends with in the house, he doesn't need to follow me if I walk away.

I don't know why I put that poem up here. It was a stupid thing for me to do. But I'll put up a poem I didn't write.

After A While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...